Fear

I was able to talk to Jason last night for longer than the 2-3 minutes a day we have become accustomed to over the past couple weeks. It was so good to hear his voice. Jason is so homesick and counting the days to March 7 when we can have one more week together. Jason was able to talk a little about the training he is doing and that is when a sickening dose or reality set in for me. Progressively that reality turned into fear. It's unbelievable the thoughts that cross your mind in the quiet darkness of night. That reality led to fear which led to anxiety. Nothing I tried to do on my own brought me comfort. So I cried out to Jesus and He brought me peace that I could not have on my own. But He did not stop there. He continues to reveal Himself to me. As I sat down to have my quiet time today the topic in my daily devotional is on FEAR.
Psalm 56:3 "Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You."
So I studied Psalm 56 today. (It's a prayer for relief from tormentors)
I can not avoid the realities of my husband going to war, I must acknowledge them, but not alone for Christ is always with me. He does not think my fears are foolish. He wants my honesty. And so my honesty He got. Its ok to cry out, seek Him! He knows what I need. When my natural reaction is to panic, I am learning to turn that panic over to Christ and trust Him!
Please pray for my nights, that seems to be the most difficult for me. (thank you Aimee again for your wisdom! I have my scripture cards ready)
I will leave you with this poem that my friend Janet sent me.

"THY WAY IS PERFECT"
Long is the way, and very steep the slope,
Strengthen me once again, O God of Hope.
Far, very far, the summit doth appear;
But Thou art near, my God, but Thou art near.
And Thou wilt give me with my daily food,
Powers of endurance, courage, fortitude.
Thy way is perfect; only let that way
Be clear before my feet from day to day.
Thou art my Portion, saith my soul to Thee,
O what a Portion is my God to me.

I'M GOING TO SEE PAULA!!!!

Ok those of you who know me, know how very much I love everything Paula Deen! A little while back my bff Aimee and I decided we are going to try and get on Paula's Party. So we investigated the process of how to get on a taping of the show. It was like applying for a job! I submitted bios on us which included our basic information, pictures, and a short essay. In the essay I wrote about the journey's Aimee and I are currently on and that we are celebrating the big 3-0 this year and wanted to party with Paula. Here is what I wrote:

First let me begin by saying how much I love Paula Deen! I TIVO all her shows, have every cookbook, and subscribe to Cooking With Paula. (I even gave subscriptions to the magazine as Christmas gifts) Ok that may make me sound a little fanatic, but I just really enjoy watching the fun Paula has in the kitchen. I especially enjoy the segments where Paula cooks with her family. That is so important to me! My name is Jessica Crow and I have been married to the most wonderful man, Jason, for 6 ½ years. We have 2 beautiful children, Jackson who is 3 ½ years old and Madeline who is 14 months old. I am so blessed to be a stay at home mommy. Not only is Jason a wonderful husband and daddy, he is our HERO! He is in the United States Army Reserves and is currently deployed for the 2nd time in Operation Iraqi Freedom. We are so proud of him! This year I am turning the big 3-0 and there is absolutely nothing I want to do more than spend it partying with Paula Deen and my best friend Aimee (who just turned the big 3-0 ). Aimee is the most precious friend anyone could ever pray for. She knows me completely and has been with me through deployments and childbirth (and everything in between). Aimee and her precious husband, Carlton, will celebrate their 10th wedding anniversary this summer. Carlton is the pastor at the church we attend and Aimee is a stay at home mommy as well. They are blessed with a daughter Hannah Grace who will be 6 in April and a son Noah who is 3 ½ years old. On January 22 of this year Aimee gave birth to a beautiful little girl, Sophie Ann, but because God chose to make her special He took her home to be with Him after just 9 minutes. This has been an incredibly difficult journey for them, but with God’s grace they are making it.
Being on Paula’s Party would give us the opportunity to take a break, celebrate being 30!, and just let our hair down! Thank you for taking the time to read our stories. If you have additional questions about us or our stories please call us! It would be difficult to write our complete stories without it turning into a short novel, but we will gladly talk with you anytime.

Well this morning I got a call from the company that produces Paula's Party (Follow Productions). WE WERE CHOSEN TO BE ON THE SHOW!!! (can you tell how excited I am???) What's even more exciting than that is we are going to New York for the taping! Oh I am so excited. Poor Jackson is laid up on the couch with stomach virus watching me scream and dance around like a fool. (oh I hope the neighbors could not see in through the blinds) I called Aimee and we screamed some more. When we finally calmed down from all the excitement we decided on our date and I called the Production Company back. The lady tells me we were in her "SPECIAL PILE". She could not tell me what the topic for the show is, but here is what I know: we are going to New York the week of April 14th. We will attend the taping on April 16th and we have to wear cocktail dresses! (COCKTAIL DRESSES!!!...my wardrobe consists of jeans, jogging suits, and I think there is a pair of black pants in there somewhere...can we say SHOPPING TRIP!) The taping is in Manhattan (Chelsea Market) at the Food Network Studios. Did I say yet that I am so excited? Aimee and I can not even talk on the phone we are just too busy screaming. She and I need this trip sooo bad! And it should be interesting, neither one of us have ever been to New York. Anyone been to New York that could offer some advice???

Just when I think my day is going to be a fun filled day of cleaning up puke I get a call like this...it really brightened my day. God is so good all the time! In my deepest moments of depression He is so sweet and real to me. And then for this to happen...He knows me so well...He knows that I need some girl time :)

I will keep you updated about Paula's Party as I learn more. :)

Playdates, teething, and GRACE....

I am happy to report that Jackson is doing so much better today. Thank you for your prayers! I also think that he is sensitive to the fact that his mommy is having a hard day. Jack was able to talk to Jason last night for a little while so I know that was so good for him. Jack also had a fun play date today! (thank you so much Jamie for watching the kids so I could shower and thank you for the happy's) Now that Jack is having a better day, Madeline decides it is her turn to show out. I am already running on reserved energy so it is only fitting that Madeline would be up every hour last night. Just when I think I can't take it anymore (and close to a break down on the phone with my mom) my precious Aimee calls. She reminds me "teething" and sure enough here come the molars! (thanks Aimee for reminding me and encouraging me...your strength and wisdom are amazing!)
Jason is doing good. He is busy training. I think he enjoyed talking to Jack last night as much as Jack enjoyed talking to him. ;) We miss Jason so much and are looking forward to the 7th when we get to love on him for another week.
Today I have been in such a funk of self pity. In my flesh I think well you have reason to feel this way, but then I am reminded that I may have reasons, but not rights. Thoughts of weakness consume me. Oh but how sweet it is to know that Grace is made perfect in weakness-in my weakest moments He gives grace. I am learning to rely on Christ more and more. God's grace is sufficient...I need nothing else. Even though I want this journey to be over, I know it is the path chosen for me and I must endure, but not alone for Christ is always with me. He does and will supply the grace I need to endure it. After all tribulation brings perseverance.
2Corinthians 12:9-10
And He said to me,"My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Trials...

So this is only the 4th day of 400+ days I have before me of being a "single" parent and let me just say it is difficult. Sorry, I am just being honest :). God and I have done a lot of talking these past 4 days...ok maybe I have done more talking than listening, but I am working on that. Jason is doing fine. He calls every chance he can, but it always seems to be when the children are asleep. I know he really wants to talk to them so hopefully he will be able to call at a time when they are awake. Jackson is having a really difficult time. He asks all day "where's daddy", "I want my daddy". When I try to explain things to him, he gets mad and lashes out. He has even started to regress a little. Madeline is just Madeline. She is exploring new heights (literally) and seems to be doing ok so far. Of course she is not really big enough to understand what is going on around her.

In my quiet time today I studied 1Peter 4:12-13
"Beloved, do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you; but rejoice to the extent that you partake of Christ's sufferings, that when His glory is revealed, you may also be glad with exceeding joy."

From my understanding this is about Christian persecution, but it really touched me as I am facing my own fiery trial of suffering. I gathered from further study that 4 attitudes are necessary when going through a trial:
1. expect it (we all know that trials are inevitable...we are either coming out of one, in one, or going into one)
2. rejoice in it
3. evaluate its cause
4. entrust it to God (I am so greatful that I can cast all my worries on Him - Psalm 34:17 "The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles"

So even though things right now are very trying I am ever so greatful for this suffering. I know Christ is using this time to shape me. I know that He hears my cries and is taking my burden and for that I am so thankful. I could not do it on my own.

Thank you for continuing to check the blog...sorry its been a few days since an update, but as you can imagine life has been turned upside down. Please continue to pray for our family and specifically Jackson's understanding.

The 1st of 2 good byes...

**Quick update*** Jason has arrived safely in California. Unfortunately where he is there is not a cell phone signal (go figure) So he must wait till late in the evening (late for us because of the time difference) to use the pay phones. The kids are having a really hard day today please keep them in your prayers...they miss their daddy so much.


There has been a little change in our orders (as to be expected). We found out at the end of this week that Jason would be training for 3 weeks, then return home for 1 week before mobilizing to Ft Bragg. This was such GREAT news! An extra week to love on Jason!
We took Jason to the airpot this morning. Our day started sooo early. We were up by 4:00 am and out the door by 10 after 5 (pretty amazing for us). I have had a pretty emotional week and then when we found out about the extra week I thought that would make this good-bye a little easier. I was doing so good emotionally until we got to the airport. Of course Jason had to travel in his uniform and as soon as we got out of the car people would walk up to us and say "Thank you for your service", We're praying for you," and "God Speed." So of course I LOOSE IT! I so did not want to do that, but sometimes I just can not control myself. It is incredible to see the support for our troops! I am so PROUD to be an army wife!
Well we said "good bye." It was not too bad because I know in 3 weeks I will get 1 more week. It's the second good bye that I am not looking forward to.
My sweet bff Aimee stopped by today to check on me and we were talking about trials and suffering. I was telling her I know I can do this, I have to. I just don't want to. I know there is a greater plan in this suffering, much greater than I can even understand. I am so thankful that I am not relying on myself during this journey. I am so greatful that my strength comes from Christ and not me. This journey is not a surprise to Him and even though I get mad and upset that I am going through this again I know He is with me!
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path." Proverbs 3:5-6

Please continue to pray for our family. I will update on Jason's arrival as soon as he can call.

In closing I will leave you with this to read. (I stole it from another friend/army wife's blog)
*Grab a kleneex*

"Wife of an American Soldier"
I'm the brunette behind you in the store, eyeing the newest Support Our Troops magnet while paging through the latest issue of Glamour. The look on my face is complacent and my thoughts are thousands of miles away on some military base my soldier has only verbally described to me over the phone.I'm the woman in the car beside you with the windows rolled up and the glassy visage only on the road ahead. The radio is set to local stations and song after song reminds me of you: "Letters From Home", "American Soldier", "Far Away", "When Your Gone", etc. Tears well up in my eyes as I imagine you there, all alone.
I'm the woman who visits the Army Wife website at odd hours of the night to find some kind of comfort for that lonesome feeling that has settled in the pit of my stomach. I read blog after blog and realize there are so many of us in the same situation. I'm the woman who has fought an inner battle, trying to accept the path the man I love has chosen. I'm the woman who willingly sacrifices my family, my home, and my career to follow a man clear across the country or world. I'm the woman who never asked for this, but deals with it without complaint.I'm the woman who swells with pride every time I see my Soldier standing tall in his Class As, BDUs, ACUs or DCUs. I'm the one who spots an Army sticker, license plate, or flag and feels a connection with its owner, hoping that maybe I'm not alone in this melancholy situation. I am the woman who sees another soldier in uniform and has to resist the urge to go to him/her and hug them.
I am the woman who tries my hardest to go about my everyday life without him, who hates sleeping alone, and who closes my eyes and pretends that the man I love is laying right there next to me, his arms wrapped around me. I am the woman who tries not to miss him, who tries not to cry whenever I hear his name or even the mention of soldiers. I am the woman who is terrified that the love of my life has been sent off to war.
I am the woman who knows what to do to fix leaky toilets, sew patches on uniforms at midnight because it's needed at 6:00am sharp, coach the little league baseball, soccer, and basketball teams because the Dads have to miss too many practices and games, prepare a picnic for 5 adults and 20 kids at the drop of a hat, organize a neighborhood yard sale, picnic, or Friday Night Fun, take my sons on the overnight Boy Scout camping trip because their Daddy is deployed, and put up Christmas decorations and play Santa alone.I am the woman who sits behind you at the theater or church and tries hard not be jealous that your husband has his arm around you, or leans over as you share a private joke. I know that our time will come and it will be like the first time all over again.
I am the woman who tells their children that their Daddy has gone away to help other children who are hurting. When they ask "Why did he leave us?" I answer with "It's his calling, his purpose in life right now. He is our hero." When they ask "Is he ever coming home?" I say, "Soon."I am many things, a daughter, a cousin, a niece, a mother, a friend.But most importantly, I am the *Wife of an American Soldier.*

Ok so here it is...

The Crow Family Blog! I decided that this would be a great way for me to keep everyone "in the know" about our family as well as share my feelings about the journey we are about to embark on AGAIN! So with this first entry I'll catch you up. Jason will be leaving on Saturday for a 3 week training in California then he will mobilize for OIF (Operation Iraqi Freedom) ROUND 2!!!! (I just have to keep telling myself you can do this again!) Jason has been off work for the past week and a half and we have really enjoyed some great family time! We have been to Party Central, the zoo, and Chuck E Cheese (which Jason and I had so much fun at the kids had to drag us out :). Jason and Jackson had some Daddy/son time and went to see Alvin & the Chipmunks while Madeline and I had Mommy/daughter time and went shopping. Jason and I even managed to squeeze in a date ; ). Our church had a coffee and dessert get together for us this past Sunday. They really went above and beyond! We are so thankful to have such a supportive church family. It was really encouraging to both of us! It has been such a blessing all the support we are receiving from laptops with web cams (courtesy of my mom's work) to a calendar filled with names for childcare every week for the next year! (thank you ladies of Grace Fellowship and M&M's) We are so greatful for every call, email, and card offering encouragement. We are escpecially greatful for the prayers that are being offered up on behalf. As I wrote earlier, I plan to use this blog to keep you updated on our life and share my thoughts on this journey. Jason (being the man of many words ;) ) may even put up a few posts or pics of the beautiful dessert. So check back when you can and leave us a comment so I will know who has visited!