Wednesday, March 19, 2008

I am back...

Sorry for the brief hiatus from blogging. To be perfectly honest things have seemed unbearable lately. I miss Jason so much. I am so lonely. It takes every ounce of energy I have to get out of bed. But I have to since I have 2 kids to take care of. I have really been trying to keep things as normal as possible for them and keep them in a routine. Routine is good for all 3 of us. I feel at war inside myself. Its like I want to leave the house everyday to keep us occupied and take my mind off the fact that Jason is not here, yet I don't want to leave. When we do leave, it is so hard to come back home to an empty house. I cringe pulling in the driveway to see Jason's car knowing he is not inside. The other day I was on my way home from the grocery store and out of habit I picked up my cell phone to call home and tell Jason I was on my way so he could help me unload the car. As I dialed the number it hit me...he is not there (and it hit like a ton a bricks!) Those little moments are so hard. The fear and anxiety are still around. I know I am just wasting my energy on worry and fear, but at times it is just so overwhelming. So I am really trying to keep myself in God's word and rest in the comfort I am finding there. Philippians 4:6 says "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." Worry and fear are counterproductive. Worrying about things beyond my control is a lack of trust in God's power and a lack of trust in His sovereignty. When the fears creep in, I am turning them over to Christ-asking Him to take the fears away. And I am firmly believing it happens because Philippians 4:7 goes on to say "And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." I am praying for that peace, that tranquillity which comes only when I fully commit all the fear and worry to God. I am so thankful that Christ has chosen me for this journey yet again and I know that He alone will give me the strength each day (sometimes each minute) to continue on. I am praying for God to keep watch over/guard my thoughts, fears, worries, and anxiety.

Jason has arrived to his mobilization station at Ft. Bragg, NC. He is busy in briefings, but calls every chance he gets. He is missing the comforts of home. He said they are staying in old WWII barracks-(I can only imagine) We are not sure how long Jason will be in Ft. Bragg before heading over in support of OIF, but we pray that we are able to travel there to see him before he leaves.

Thank you for continuing to check the blog and giving me an outlet to share my thoughts and feelings about this journey. I really enjoy reading your comments ;) I hope you enjoy the picture of my favorite 3 people in the whole world! This was the night before Jason left. We had a farewell dinner at Top O The River. The kids t-shirts said I love my soldier daddy. (They have another one that says My daddy is my hero -with an American flag on it)


Anonymous said...

so glad we are getting to know you and your family. my family will begin praying for you all during this time...swinney family

Barb said...


Thank you for your candid thoughts. I know this is a hard time for you and your family. Please let me know if you need anything or just want to go to lunch or something.


The Terrells said...

praying for you
love you

Dave and Lisa Swinney said...

Hey Jessica. I'll be praying for you. Thank you for sharing your life with us.


Anonymous said...

I love you so much! You really inspire me! I will continue to pray for you and those precious children. You guys are so special! Thank you so much for sharing with us.

With love,

Carlton and Aimee Weathers said...

Oh, I just cried when I read about you calling home for help with the groceries. I do the same thing. I just can't imagine....but thats what everyone said to me too..and I just thought,"Somehow, by the grace of God, I AM SURVIVING!" You will too. I promise. God loves you so, and He is using this time to grow you in a way that you will look back on and actually thank Him for. You really will.
I love you, and can't wait for our girl day on Friday!
What will we do without the kids?????????????????? HMMMMM>>>>>>>>Can we say, "RETAIL THERAPY!" :)

Melissa D. said...

Love you Jessica! My heart hurts for you, but, at the same time, is so exited about all of the people that the Lord will touch through you and Jason and your precious babies!! I don't know how people make it without the peace of God!! Enjoyed our lunch the other day and know that I'm praying for you often! I know you probably get tired of talking and explaining how you are, and all that, but, please don't "NOT" call if you need something! I'm one of the many that are here for you any time, even 2a.m. (Lord knows I'm awake usually with Greyson or Sydney)!

Love you,

Beth McDaniel Johnson said...

Jessica, I know how hard it is. TRUST me. My husband was in the Air Force for 9 years, and during that time (before we were married, but engaged) he went to Kuwait for 10 months, and before that Korea for a year. He has been to Iraq and Japan also. It is so hard to miss that other piece of your heart, but I promise, as time goes by it gets a little easier everyday. There will be the really, really bad moments, but there will be good ones too. You just have to focus on the fact that he WILL be home again, and count down those days. It seems insurmountable right now, but with the help of family and friends (and those two gorgeous babies) you'll make it through. I know you think "it's easy for her to say", but I have been where you are. If you need anything let me know.

Anonymous said...

Hey Jessica, I have become fond of reading your blog. I feel like I am learning a little bit more about you with every one that I read. I saw you leave the house yesterday as me and the boys were coming out to play. In my head, I said, "I guess Jessica does not feel like cooking tonight!" I know what you mean about not wanting to come home to an empty house. Things are more differ in my life than yours. But we share many things. I have learned to do so much by myself. Trust me, I can relate to so much that you write about. Any time look across to my house. Whose car do you mostly see. Its me. Mostly Me and the boys! Whenever you need that
"CUP of SUGAR!" or that "CUP of MILK!" Just let me know.
Jessica Benefield

Shea said...

I feel so blessed to be getting to know you but feel so sad for you now, imagining how much you must miss your husband. I am praying for you! You seem like such a fantastic person. I'm so glad Aimee has a friend like you! God bless you and your sweet little ones. Praying for Jason and thanking God for all the men and women who serve our country in such a selfless way!

Shea Luckett and Family

Acker Family said...

I am praying for you!