Thursday, May 1, 2008

Most of the Time it is Not "OK"...

I have been avoiding an update blog for a while now mostly because I have basically been depressed. So as my usual self I don't say anything and continue with life (trying to be as "normal" as possible - whatever "normal" is) My new normal is loneliness. My new normal is thinking I am successful if I can get my kids and myself dressed. My new normal is replying "we're OK" when asked how things are. Some of the time this is true...we are just "OK", but there are times when we are not, but I say "OK" because I do not want to cry. It's so hard. Everything is a constant reminder. Take swimming lessons with Jackson as an example. Every kid in his class has their daddy there with them. Jackson notices. At the end of every lesson he says "Mommy I want to tell daddy what I did tonight" I find myself being angry about this. I think where is the fairness in this? Why does Jason have to watch his children grow up in pictures and web cams? But I really am grateful that he at least has these things.
I am trying to be cheerful as I face this part of the journey. But I realize that it is not cheerfulness I need when faced with difficult things, instead it is trust. In my moments of great need, I trust that God has a plan that will lead me to a place of safety...God is faithful! Faithful Lord=supply my daily needs. He does. He supplies just what I need to get through the day. I see it so clearly every night as I reflect on each day. That I am able to put one foot in front of the other, that I am able to care for my children, that I am able to function at all is because my Lord is faithful and He alone supplies me with everything that I need. And that is why I can take heart on the very worst of days. He has a plan and I trust Him alone.

"The Lord is good, A stronghold in the day of trouble; And He knows those who trust in Him." Nahum 1:7

6 comments:

Rebekah Acheson said...

Hello, my polka dot buddy,

Just want you to know that we are praying for you guys. Thank you for your honesty and for sharing with us so freely so that we can know how to pray.

We love you guys!
Rebekah

Carlton and Aimee Weathers said...

Praying for you. Take it day by day, don't think about tomorrow or next week.

Tamara said...

We're praying for you Jess. Let us know how we can help.

Love you!

Anonymous said...

Jessica,

I know what you are going through. I am glad that you are such a strong person and that we are here for each other during this time.

Kim

Melanie Harmon said...

Jessica,
My girls and I are calling your name in prayer every night. You are such an inspiration to us.

Barb said...

Jessica,

Please know you are in my prayers often. When I feel lonely I try to remind myself I may feel that way but we are never alone. Praying God will wrap his arms around you!

Love,
Barb