I have been avoiding an update blog for a while now mostly because I have basically been depressed. So as my usual self I don't say anything and continue with life (trying to be as "normal" as possible - whatever "normal" is) My new normal is loneliness. My new normal is thinking I am successful if I can get my kids and myself dressed. My new normal is replying "we're OK" when asked how things are. Some of the time this is true...we are just "OK", but there are times when we are not, but I say "OK" because I do not want to cry. It's so hard. Everything is a constant reminder. Take swimming lessons with Jackson as an example. Every kid in his class has their daddy there with them. Jackson notices. At the end of every lesson he says "Mommy I want to tell daddy what I did tonight" I find myself being angry about this. I think where is the fairness in this? Why does Jason have to watch his children grow up in pictures and web cams? But I really am grateful that he at least has these things.
I am trying to be cheerful as I face this part of the journey. But I realize that it is not cheerfulness I need when faced with difficult things, instead it is trust. In my moments of great need, I trust that God has a plan that will lead me to a place of safety...God is faithful! Faithful Lord=supply my daily needs. He does. He supplies just what I need to get through the day. I see it so clearly every night as I reflect on each day. That I am able to put one foot in front of the other, that I am able to care for my children, that I am able to function at all is because my Lord is faithful and He alone supplies me with everything that I need. And that is why I can take heart on the very worst of days. He has a plan and I trust Him alone.
"The Lord is good, A stronghold in the day of trouble; And He knows those who trust in Him." Nahum 1:7