Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Thoughts at 8 1/2 months...

I have sat here at the computer off and on all day today trying to decide whether to share this or not. The other day a friend commented to me that I have not posted a blog in a while. I have posted (technically) they have mostly been updates in pictures. But I knew what she meant. She enjoyed the pictures, but wanted to know why I have not posted a as she put it "Jessica" blog. She asked if I was doing ok and the tears came flooding. After the tears, it got me thinking...thinking about the other things I have been neglecting lately. I have not blogged, not exercised (blamed on being too cold outside for the kiddos, but really I just had no desire to walk), and worst of all I have not been keeping myself in the word.
I would like to share my journal entry on Oct 13...

Been a long time since I've journaled. Lots of reasons...tiredness, distractions, lack of desire...The tiredness and distractions are to be expected right? I am home alone 24 hours a day/7 days a week with a 4 year old and a 22 month old who never stop. Tiredness is my new normal. Same with distractions. Anyone with children should be able to understand that right? Hard to focus...when you can focus BOOM someone needs something. By the time you take care of what everyone else needs then the day is over and all energy is zapped from me. So it seems that there is always a million things to be done and I never know which way to turn first. Tiredness and distractions...to be expected right? But lack of desire? Where is this coming from? Why? I love quiet time...I long for those AHA! moments in my quiet time. I love the way the Holy Spirit reveals himself to me in those quiet moments...so why do I have a lack of desire right now??? Is it the daily struggles of life, depression, self pity, laziness, distractions, the list could go on and on...

So that was wrote on Oct. 13, things have gotten better (sort of) I finally put the kids in Mom's Day Out. I really struggled about this, but decided that it was the best thing for all 3 of us...and you know what??? It has been. Madeline walks in the place like she owns it and Jack's teacher is his pre-school teacher so he is right at home in there. The first few times the kids went, I really did not know what to do with myself...I never have free time. I found myself scheduling things, trying to get everything done. I was not feeling anymore accomplished than before I dropped them off. You have to understand that my mind is still in overdrive...thinking of all the things that I need to get done. This seems to be worse at night. I am so exhausted by the time I get the kiddos in bed...I mean pure and utter exhaustion. Oh I know sleepless nights and long days...been there done that when the kids were newborns or were sick or were teething...but this exhaustion is like nothing I have experienced before. It is a tiredness that causes every part of my body to ache. So you would think that as soon as my head hits the pillow, I would be fast asleep right? wrong...I just lay in bed and think of all the things I was not able to finish leaving that much more to be done the next day. It is a never ending cycle. So why 8 1/2 months into this deployment is this as hard as it was the first month? Why am I so fatigued? Is this normal? I am curious if there are any other army wives reading this blog who have or are experiencing these same feelings.

I have been able to keep things in routine and on track for the past 8 1/2 months, but now I truly feel myself drowning...It is so hard to keep everything "normal" (whatever that is) for the kids. A friend pointed out to me that I am a single parent and I am not designed for that (thank you Katy for the wisdom) I am not designed for that at all...yet here I am. Please don't take my complaining as a lack of faith, because it is not at all. I completely trust God to guide me and strengthen me during this time. It just is overwhelming at times...but I need those moments...those moments when I feel I have no control so that I am reminded of the One who is in control!

So in an attempt to slow down (Ha!) I have taken up sewing again. (thank you Aimee for getting me back at it) See, I have not sewn since Jack was a baby. That was nearly 4 years ago when I group of us met on Friday's and were taught by Lisa how to sew. I made a few jon-jon's for Jack then quit. I have always had the desire to pick it back up, but just could not ever seem to find the time. Well, I made the time this past Tuesday. I made Madeline a dress...my baby is soon to be 2 and I am just now making her a dress. I had so much fun doing it...well its not done, I am still trying to figure out the crazy button hole (Aimee you may have to come back for another lesson)...but it is almost there. I went to the store and got more fabric so that next Tuesday I can make something else. I can see myself easily getting carried away and I have lots of plans and ideas...see my mind is always in overdrive.


This is the dress that I made Madeline...the fabric will be my next creation...I am thinking the flowers a top and the stripes for pants with a flower ruffle...what do you think???

Many of you have asked about Jason and always share with me that you are praying for him. Thank you so much for that! Jason is doing ok...all things considering...He said that they finally got rain where he is at...first time he has seen rain since he has been there. I hope that the rain brought some relief from the heat.

Well, I think I have rambled long enough....

counting the days until R&R,
Jessica

6 comments:

jengallahar said...

Jessica....you are SO strong! I could NOT do what you are doing. My husband works swing shifts so I feel like a single mom 4 out of 6 weeks but at least I do have him home some...we just may not see eachother. I admire you for your dedication and support of your husband and his service. I believe God will greatly reward your patience during this time. I also think it is great to have a little time away from the kids so that all of you get a little change of company. It could be better for all of you. Again...I admire you so much and so do many others I am sure!

Lisa said...

I;m glad to hear how you are doing.....even if its not so good. Thanks for shring so we can pray for you. Your dress is beautiful. Looks like you are a natural seamstress. (is that a word)?

Aimee said...

Hey sweetie.

thanks for sharing your heart. its good to just get it out there. You know I wish I could make this all go away. I can't and it makes me sad. We know that God has a purpose for all this. Really, he does. But, it still is hard. I am praying for you..right now.

By the way, you did a great job sewing. You are a natural. Let me know if you want me to come this tuesday. HG loves having school at your house. :)

Anonymous said...

Jessica,

I am praying for you daily. I know it has to be hard for you. If you need to talk you know my number.

Kim

LeighAnne said...

Jessica,

You are such a strong lady. I can completely understand your exhaustion. I know how hard it must be to be solely responsible for the kids, the house, the bills, etc. I am proud of you and admire you so much. I think sewing with Aimee once a week is a fabulous idea. I know the fellowship alone must be wonderful. I am praying for you and Jason sweetie. :) Hugs and Love, LeighAnne

The Davis Family said...

I can so relate with you in your exhaustion but to be without Eric for 8 months and counting would be miserable. Hang in there girl. I think we all go through dry spiritual spells and it's always a comfort to me to know that God does not. He is still sanctifying you and drawing you closer even when you don't "feel" it. You will wake up one day ane know that you have grown in the Lord while you were stressing about being so far away.