Warning Label and A Surprise

I shared in my previous post that right now I should come with a "warning label".  I don't know what it is about deployment, but my emotions are all over the place.  I seriously go from happy and laughing to tears.  For no reason.  Tears.  Seems strange huh?  But it is true.  Sometimes its tears for the feeling of being extremely overwhelmed.  Sometimes its tears of relief that soon I will have my husband home so I am not being everything to everyone all on my own.  Sometimes its tears reflecting on how much I have learned about myself and others during this deployment.  Sometimes I catch myself in tears and I laugh - I think "seriously Jess" (maybe I should not share this - I promise I may seem to not have it "all together" right now, but everyone is taken care of, lol)

My desire when I began blogging over 3 years ago was to be real.  I always want my blog to be real.  To be honest.  To reflect me.  To reflect the reality of deployment for me and my family.  It may not be every one's reality, but it is ours.  It's the realities of my struggles, my fears, and my worries.  So with that said, I want to be honest about my emotions right now as deployment is winding down.  Yes, I am beyond EXCITED that my husband is coming home.  Yes, I am HAPPY.  Yes, I am GIDDY like a school girl preparing for her first date.  There is NOTHING like the feeling you get when you are about to see your husband for the first time after a long deployment.  For me, there is no feeling quite like it....but with that said I am also nervous and worried.  For those who may read this and are not a military family, you may have a hard time understanding those feelings.  Most people watch the homecoming shows on tv and the videos all over the internet and see the happy tears and hugs and kisses, and while yes those are real emotions that really happen, what you don't see is the concerns.  I don't think that would make for very good ratings...who wants to watch that???  I wouldn't, I don't want to live it for that matter, but it is my reality.  Not everyone has the worries and apprehensions about homecoming, I am just sharing my feelings.  This is our 3rd deployment.  We are not newbies at this game.  The 1st and 2nd deployments I did not have the worries and apprehensions.  Our reintegration at 1st deployment was perfect.  We picked up right where we left off.  It was just the 2 of us, no kids, it was really easy.  2 kids later and deployment #2 happened.  I was not concerned about reintegration at all.  I was looking forward to getting back to our normal.  Boy, was I shocked.  Our reintegration was hard.  The kids had a hard time.  We had a hard time as individuals dealing with the effects of deployment.  We had a hard time as a couple. (by hard time I just mean I was expecting too much of Jason and it felt like we were always aggravated with each other)  It took a while.  It took a lot of communication.  It took me leaving the kids at home with daddy alone and forcing them to bond with him.  It took a lot of prayers.  It took a lot of tears.  It took a lot of trust in the journey that God was placing us on.  It took us realizing what was important and making a conscious effort to work through it all.  We made decisions that people did not understand....and that is ok...we don't need anyone to understand because we knew we were doing what we had to do at the time for our family.  And it worked.  We were overcoming the emotions, the kids were bonding with daddy, everything was getting back to the way we wanted it to be.  Then came the news of deployment #3.  When I got the news of deployment #3 not only did my heartbreak at the thought of another year of my hubby gone (and all the concerns that goes with that) but my heart was also breaking at the thought of another reintegration like the one we just overcome.  So fast forward to now...the reason for a lot of my tears is the thought of reintegration.  It concerns me.  I have really been praying about it lately.  Of course I pray for a smooth transition for J, for the kids, for us, but I also pray that if it is God's will for it to be a struggle again, that He will be with us through it all.  And I can rest in that peace.  Rest in knowing that He is with us and He will, again, see us through every bump, hurdle, and roadblock.  So why do I still worry over it?  I am not sure why...I wish I knew.  The worry does not consume me.  It just crosses my mind every now and then and I can seriously feel a queasy feeling come over me at the thought of going through that again.  So, I take a deep breath (like I seriously just did after I typed that sentence) and I say a little prayer...and I rest in the fact the He hears me and rest in the fact that He knows what is best for me.  So for today, that is what I think God is trying to teach me through it all...even the things I do not think I am ready to learn, that He knows what is best for me, always. 


Whew...I am not sure I have shared all that before...

SO on a lighter note...
I did shed some tears this afternoon...happy, surprised tears that is ;)
I got an amazing surprise today from my fabulous hubby.  He sent me 2 dozen roses attached with the sweetest note!  I am one lucky girl who feels incredibly blessed to have such an amazing, wonderful, fabulous, supportive, appreciative husband.

Yes, I have been grinning from ear to ear all afternoon...
Can you blame me???

My grin and I are off to pack...I have a big trip coming up :) yay!!