Friday, October 7, 2011

Warning Label and A Surprise

I shared in my previous post that right now I should come with a "warning label".  I don't know what it is about deployment, but my emotions are all over the place.  I seriously go from happy and laughing to tears.  For no reason.  Tears.  Seems strange huh?  But it is true.  Sometimes its tears for the feeling of being extremely overwhelmed.  Sometimes its tears of relief that soon I will have my husband home so I am not being everything to everyone all on my own.  Sometimes its tears reflecting on how much I have learned about myself and others during this deployment.  Sometimes I catch myself in tears and I laugh - I think "seriously Jess" (maybe I should not share this - I promise I may seem to not have it "all together" right now, but everyone is taken care of, lol)

My desire when I began blogging over 3 years ago was to be real.  I always want my blog to be real.  To be honest.  To reflect me.  To reflect the reality of deployment for me and my family.  It may not be every one's reality, but it is ours.  It's the realities of my struggles, my fears, and my worries.  So with that said, I want to be honest about my emotions right now as deployment is winding down.  Yes, I am beyond EXCITED that my husband is coming home.  Yes, I am HAPPY.  Yes, I am GIDDY like a school girl preparing for her first date.  There is NOTHING like the feeling you get when you are about to see your husband for the first time after a long deployment.  For me, there is no feeling quite like it....but with that said I am also nervous and worried.  For those who may read this and are not a military family, you may have a hard time understanding those feelings.  Most people watch the homecoming shows on tv and the videos all over the internet and see the happy tears and hugs and kisses, and while yes those are real emotions that really happen, what you don't see is the concerns.  I don't think that would make for very good ratings...who wants to watch that???  I wouldn't, I don't want to live it for that matter, but it is my reality.  Not everyone has the worries and apprehensions about homecoming, I am just sharing my feelings.  This is our 3rd deployment.  We are not newbies at this game.  The 1st and 2nd deployments I did not have the worries and apprehensions.  Our reintegration at 1st deployment was perfect.  We picked up right where we left off.  It was just the 2 of us, no kids, it was really easy.  2 kids later and deployment #2 happened.  I was not concerned about reintegration at all.  I was looking forward to getting back to our normal.  Boy, was I shocked.  Our reintegration was hard.  The kids had a hard time.  We had a hard time as individuals dealing with the effects of deployment.  We had a hard time as a couple. (by hard time I just mean I was expecting too much of Jason and it felt like we were always aggravated with each other)  It took a while.  It took a lot of communication.  It took me leaving the kids at home with daddy alone and forcing them to bond with him.  It took a lot of prayers.  It took a lot of tears.  It took a lot of trust in the journey that God was placing us on.  It took us realizing what was important and making a conscious effort to work through it all.  We made decisions that people did not understand....and that is ok...we don't need anyone to understand because we knew we were doing what we had to do at the time for our family.  And it worked.  We were overcoming the emotions, the kids were bonding with daddy, everything was getting back to the way we wanted it to be.  Then came the news of deployment #3.  When I got the news of deployment #3 not only did my heartbreak at the thought of another year of my hubby gone (and all the concerns that goes with that) but my heart was also breaking at the thought of another reintegration like the one we just overcome.  So fast forward to now...the reason for a lot of my tears is the thought of reintegration.  It concerns me.  I have really been praying about it lately.  Of course I pray for a smooth transition for J, for the kids, for us, but I also pray that if it is God's will for it to be a struggle again, that He will be with us through it all.  And I can rest in that peace.  Rest in knowing that He is with us and He will, again, see us through every bump, hurdle, and roadblock.  So why do I still worry over it?  I am not sure why...I wish I knew.  The worry does not consume me.  It just crosses my mind every now and then and I can seriously feel a queasy feeling come over me at the thought of going through that again.  So, I take a deep breath (like I seriously just did after I typed that sentence) and I say a little prayer...and I rest in the fact the He hears me and rest in the fact that He knows what is best for me.  So for today, that is what I think God is trying to teach me through it all...even the things I do not think I am ready to learn, that He knows what is best for me, always. 


Whew...I am not sure I have shared all that before...

SO on a lighter note...
I did shed some tears this afternoon...happy, surprised tears that is ;)
I got an amazing surprise today from my fabulous hubby.  He sent me 2 dozen roses attached with the sweetest note!  I am one lucky girl who feels incredibly blessed to have such an amazing, wonderful, fabulous, supportive, appreciative husband.





Yes, I have been grinning from ear to ear all afternoon...
Can you blame me???

My grin and I are off to pack...I have a big trip coming up :) yay!!


Photobucket

7 comments:

Shelly said...

This is a fabulous post. I will pray that this 3rd reintegration is an easy one for your family.

I completely understand all these feelings about the reintegration that comes with the end of the deployments. That is something that I hate about the homecoming shows....there is so much more than the initial reunion. It is a process.

For us, the reintegration after the first two were seamless transitions. The third one (just this past spring) has been so hard. We had great communication, but still so many challenges were still involved.

I think after this struggle, I would dread the idea of another deployment because of the following reintegration.

I'm here for you and I understand.

Amy said...

There's a day that's drawing near [!!!!]
When this darkness breaks to light,
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes...

You will rise when He calls your name.
No more sorrow, no more pain!
You will rise on eagles wings,
Before your God fall on your knees and RISE!...

There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh will fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say, "IT IS WELL!"

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." I Peter 5:7

I'm making my packing list, too. See you soon!!!! WoooooHOOOO!!!!!

Crystal said...

You're roses are beautiful!

I'm praying for you and your family over the next few days and weeks to come!

Kim Wade said...

VERY well put! You have perfectly described the excitement and fears that go along with re-integration. It seems so crazy that we can be so excited and anxious at the same time!

I think the warning label is a great idea! (Espcially for over-excited cashiers!) I know I can be fine one minute and a squalling wreck the next!

Thank you so much for being there for me during this deployment. There have been highs and lows but you have always been there when I needed an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, a bible study group to meet with or even if I just needed a friendly smile and hug!

I will be praying for you, Jason and the kids in the coming months.


Love you girl!!
Kim

Kayla Sue said...

I totally understand where you are coming from. Levi was only 6 months when Michael came home our first deployment, and it took them nearly the entire year he was home to bond and get used to each other. Levi is such a daddy's boy, and then we got the news Michael was deploying again. It breaks my heart that after all the time of playing catchup we'll have to do it all over again... but it was such an amazing process to behold, even through all the struggle.

Praying for you and your family girl! And what a sweet hubby :)

Kayla Sue said...

I totally understand where you are coming from. Levi was only 6 months when Michael came home our first deployment, and it took them nearly the entire year he was home to bond and get used to each other. Levi is such a daddy's boy, and then we got the news Michael was deploying again. It breaks my heart that after all the time of playing catchup we'll have to do it all over again... but it was such an amazing process to behold, even through all the struggle.

Praying for you and your family girl! And what a sweet hubby :)

Nancy said...

What a great post. Praying for the 4 of you as the reintegration occurs & that it is MUCH easier this time. You have dealt with so much more than the average married couple & through lots of prayer & faith & love, you have both been an example to all of us!
What a sweetheart to send you flowers!!! I LOVE that!