It's getting so close (so close that I don't need to use all my fingers and toes to count)...the day that Jason will leave...not actual "D" day, but the day he leaves for training...the day that will cause him to leave our home with a huge bag...the day that we will have to take him to the airport with pride in our hearts (while we hold back the tears in our eyes until he walks away down that long airport hallway). It's just too much...
I've had this nagging feeling for several months. It's a weird feeling...not a feeling of fear, but a feeling of I really need to get everything together. I have tried to ignore this feeling. I have tried to suppress this feeling, but like I said...it's nagging. It will not go away. Though I will spare you all the details of this nagging feeling, I will share that one thing I have felt very strongly about is getting all the paperwork in order. This is our 3rd deployment...I know the drill...I help others prepare for this I know it so well...I know what I need (as far as paperwork goes) I have always had these items readily available in the past, but this time I just have this feeling I need them all in order. And so my nagging feeling has caused me to nag Jason to get me these papers. I don't want to bother him with getting these papers for me, but like I said, I just had this nagging feeling that it had to be done. It's so much to deal with...it's just too much.
So my hubby, being the sweet man he is, spent hours last night getting all my requested paperwork together along with making copies. (thank you precious man!) As I was organizing all the papers last night and putting them in folders that I could easily access, I came across Jason's living will...like I've said, this is our 3rd deployment and I've seen these papers before, nothing new, but I've never read this before. I don't know why, I just have not read it. So I read through it last night...and immediately burst into tears. Poor Jason, I don't think he knew what to do...laugh at me (for putting myself through that), cry with me, or run-a-way (ha, lets hope he doesn't do that). Bless Jason's heart, there I was (ugly) crying and he was comforting me. I so do not want our last days together to be me crying and Jason comforting me...it just does not need to be that way...sorry... So anyway, I'm reading Jason's wishes and I'm saying over and over, "I just don't want to think about this" (yea, way to go me for being selfish...sorry just trying to be real about the reality of deployment for us) And Jason, still comforting me, never misses a beat and says "Sweetie, that's why you have this. So you don't have to think about it. I made the decisions for you." GAH...I hate being so emotional...it's just too much...
It is just too much for me to handle on my own. Thinking about "D" day brings a flood of emotions that I am NOT strong enough to handle on my own. So often, in my fleshly ways, I find myself asking why, why now, why again-BUT through much prayer I am reminded that following Christ is not easy. It's not always comfortable. BUT Christ is sufficient for me. He alone is sufficient for my thoughts, for my emotions, for my nagging feelings. For HIM none of this is too much.
So when days like this hit. When I am overwhelmed. When I can't stop those nagging feelings, there is only one thing for me to do and that is pray.
pray without ceasing 1Thess 5:17
Do you know what it is like to pray without ceasing??? Have you ever known such comfort as the comfort you receive after such prayer???
It's so comforting. It's so peaceful. It's such a relieving feeling.
...in Me you have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart, I have overcome the world. John 16:33
So thankful that I serve a big God for whom none of this is too much...
And just to share the organizing I did thanks to my nagging feelings: